Coming to Terms

Posted on May 14, 2013

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I haven’t written, much less submitted and had published, a new book in months…okay, years. I’ve made all kinds of excuses: my husband died….lost our home and had to move…grandmother died…lost my job…had to move again…went back to school…

Yes, they’re true and great excuses, but that is all they are. I know writers struggling with illnesses, working day jobs…working three jobs (including housework, raising children and day jobs!) and they manage to squeak out some great books.

So I sat down to examine WHY I haven’t been able to write. The truth is I can’t. Thanks to events in my life, discoveries I’ve made, I can’t write romance because I just don’t believe in it any more. I don’t believe in love, I don’t believe in relationships….because everyone lies. They say whatever you want to hear to further their own agendas and that’s all. They get what they want and if they can put on a show for the rest of the world so much better. You can spend most of your life with someone and NEVER see the real person…

Let me tell you, the realization sucked the wind from my sails. I want to believe, I really do! I mean my parents have been married for nearly 50 years and they seem totally devoted to each other. My grandparents have been married for nearly 70 years, they still hold hands on occasion.

So this caused further examination…is it just my generation that are filled with lying sacks of poo? I have a dear friend who just got married and she seems happy…but I had nightmares that her new husband was an abusive nut bag who was a serial killer…

My best friend has been married for nearly as long as I was, they struggle, just as all couples do, but they seem devoted and in love…

Now, let that all sink in for a minute…I believe all men lie…I feel that none of them can be trusted…best friends and family members are happily in love…nightmares about a serial killer…have you reached the conclusion I made?

Yep! It made me wonder what is wrong with ME. Why is it just the men/people in my life that turn out to be lying, worthless, using, sacks of poo! Why couldn’t I just be happy for my friend rather than dreaming her new husband was a serial killer?

Another sad realization came when I saw that even family, people you believed in your entire life, people YOU gave life to, crap all over you. No matter what you do, how much you give and sacrifice, people you should be able to count on, let you down…

I picked myself up, dusted off and thought okay, put yourself first! don’t give a crap about anyone else! if it makes you happy, JUST DO IT! This change in philosophy didn’t help matters…I can’t be that type of person, is against my nature to tell the world screw off! I’m the most important and the rest can wait!

Anyway…where was I going with this tangent? Oh right…so I decided to take some chances…I went out with someone…very nice person…so he seemed…but the chemistry wasn’t there. Okay, fine, thanks for the ride! Next!

I met a man…someone who made me feel butterflies…the whole silly high school romance feelings! I thought okay…I was wrong! There are decent people in this world! I foolishly opened up…and he succeeded in proving my original opinion…lie to get what you want and if you don’t get your way, pout, throw a tantrum….yes, I cut my losses but not without receiving a few parting shots…

No, please don’t mistake this as my whining plea for pity…I don’t need it! I’m an amazing woman! Strong, beautiful, intelligent, witty, wonderful, wise and would make an awesome catch! The problem is there is no one worthy of my time and effort. No one except myself! I know plenty of people who make wonderful lives alone in the world.

I still want to believe…actually, I joined an internet dating site. I’m talking with some people…each has their own positive aspects…But, my experiences have left me colored… I know before long something will happen and they won’t let me down…they will only prove what I feel to be true…but, until then, why not enjoy the conversations? At least I may get ideas for my next thriller novel…maybe I need to focus more on the suspense and less on the romance…

Yeah! Maybe that is all it takes! I’m beginning to get that feeling again!

No promises, but lets see where this goes!

Huggles!
Donica

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