Holidays and heartaches

Posted on December 22, 2011


Six months ago today my husband died.

I was trying to find something profound to say about the past six months. How I have gotten through it…how the struggles have made me stronger…but I got nothing.

I tell you what one thought has been on my mind recently. I lost my husband…It’s weird what your mind grasps onto, ya know? I lost my husband. It sounds like you misplaced your spouse, like a watch or ring or something. I didn’t misplace him, I know where he is so technically he isn’t lost.

Isn’t that insane? I mean of all the things I have to cope with in my life, all the changes I have gone through and that is what my mind has chosen to grapple with?

I won’t say I have had it easy, after all, I find myself crying at the most awkward moments. I was out with my mother and she asked what I wanted for dinner. I just started to cry for no reason…at church we were ready for communion and the tears began to fall and I couldn’t stop them…I was driving over to my day job and overwhelming sadness gripped me firmly and I had to pull off the road and cry. No particular reason, it just hits me.

Then sometimes I get super angry. I want to rip him apart for leaving me to pick up the pieces and clean up his mess he left behind.

Other times I feel numb. Empty. No sadness, no happiness, nothing. I am almost normal…those times are few and far between. I really want to be normal again, but I don’t know if I would even recognize normal if it slapped me across the face…

Well, enough melancholia.

I wish you all the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years.


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