True Confessions

Posted on January 11, 2011


I see you from across the room. Instantly my mind races with possibilities. The closer I get the stronger my desire becomes. I know it’s wrong, forbidden, but I can’t ignore the pull. You’re alone and so tempting I don’t want to resist. I don’t care how wrong it is, you will be mine.

I move closer, inhale deep and your smell only fans the flames to drive me out of my mind. I smile and glance around. No one else will know, I won’t tell, you won’t tell.

It’s decided. My lips curl into a smile as I gently brush against you. I lift a finger to lips and suck it, tasting you there. I’m senseless beyond control. I don’t care! Damn tomorrow, I must live for today! I open my mouth, my lips brush against you.

You taste so wonderful, beyond my wildest imagination. You’re beyond compare. I can’t stop there, oh no! I can’t! I must have all of you! Wild, unashamed and without inhibition I devour you until there’s nothing left. Lord above but you’re magnificent.

As my senses return I realize my mistake. I should NEVER have fallen for you, but even as I know it was wrong, the memory is so strong it pushes care away. If this is wrong then I never want to be right!

No! I swear to myself  I’ll keep true, I’ll remain strong. Get thee behind me temptation! I straighten my clothes, and rise to walk away. I can do it, I will remain on the right path. Smiling I feel confident no one will ever know I strayed.

The door opens, I hear voices and then a sudden sense of panic, will they know? How can they? I won’t tell, you won’t expose my secret. I’m safe, aren’t I? Aren’t I?

I glance into the room and the fear chokes me. There! I’ve left evidence behind! No! I was so very careful, how did I miss that? I pray they won’t see. I carefully pick my way around the room, slow movements, carrying on conversation, desperately acting as if everything is normal.

Almost there!

Just two more steps and I’m safe!

Then…without warning…

“Mom! What happened to the last piece of cake?”

I’m trying so hard to stick to my doctor’s commands but it’s just so very hard. Today I found myself eating homemade (and low salt) Chicken and dumplings with raw veggies and fat free ranch dip. As I forced the food down I found myself fantasizing. The carrot I cluched was no longer a carrot, rather it had become a single fried cheese stick. No longer did I hold a small container of creamy white ranch dip. No, I was about to dip the delectable fried cheese into a vat of sweet and sour French dressing. I could visualize the thick red sauce dripping off the end of the golden crusted, melted white cheese.

The illusions shattered as the bite I tooke crunched, drawing me back to reality. And man did it stink!

I’ve always beena foodie but I never realized how obsessed I was. Before this ridiculous change of life nonsense I would get up int he morning, have a bowl of cereal, pop tart or sweet roll, come to work and work the entire day. Most days I forgot to eat lunch and simply worked through, my meal times were between 9 and 10 am and 5 or 6 pm.

In the last few weeks I’ve noticed I get hungry. And if I don’t stop to eat, I get terrible headaches, dizzy spells and darkening vision. If I try to move without having eaten, I get terribly shaky and sick. I feel as if I’m just going to shatter. From what I understand people with blood sugar issues have similar reactions. GREAT just what I need, To be developing blood sugar problems on top of everything else.

I’ve been doing better. I eat a “sensible” lunch. Only grazing on fruits and veggies until I feel full then putting the rest away. But even though the hunger is satisfied, I don’t feel complete. I CRAVE a bite of chocolate, a scoop of ice cream a slice of pie…some kind of sugar kick. And many times I can resist, but then comes the times I cant. I feel like a junky jonesing for a fix. Gotta get me some chocolate. I don’t care how, I dont care what, as long as it’s a bite of chocolate.

You know, I realize that this is all “in my best interest” but I heard a philosophy that I really admire. Life’s not a dress rehersal! We have to live each moment to the fullest. If that means I enjoy a bite of chocolate so be it! It’s not like I killed someone–not yet anyway…

One bite isn’t going to kill me. One bite isn’t going to throw my blood out of whack…SCREW IT! I’m done justifying it, LOOK OUT HERE I COME!

Ummm *munches happily on a fun size Milky Way* it just doesn’t get any better than this…

Huggles until next time!