Six months ago today my husband died.
I was trying to find something profound to say about the past six months. How I have gotten through it…how the struggles have made me stronger…but I got nothing.
I tell you what one thought has been on my mind recently. I lost my husband…It’s weird what your mind grasps onto, ya know? I lost my husband. It sounds like you misplaced your spouse, like a watch or ring or something. I didn’t misplace him, I know where he is so technically he isn’t lost.
Isn’t that insane? I mean of all the things I have to cope with in my life, all the changes I have gone through and that is what my mind has chosen to grapple with?
I won’t say I have had it easy, after all, I find myself crying at the most awkward moments. I was out with my mother and she asked what I wanted for dinner. I just started to cry for no reason…at church we were ready for communion and the tears began to fall and I couldn’t stop them…I was driving over to my day job and overwhelming sadness gripped me firmly and I had to pull off the road and cry. No particular reason, it just hits me.
Then sometimes I get super angry. I want to rip him apart for leaving me to pick up the pieces and clean up his mess he left behind.
Other times I feel numb. Empty. No sadness, no happiness, nothing. I am almost normal…those times are few and far between. I really want to be normal again, but I don’t know if I would even recognize normal if it slapped me across the face…
Well, enough melancholia.
I wish you all the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years.
Huggles
Donica
Jane Lovering
December 22, 2011
I’m so sorry, Donica. It’s this time of year when hurt feels most powerful, when everyone around us seems uncomplicatedly happy – all I can say is ‘think of the good times’ and let time work its magic. I hope, despite it all, you have a wonderful Christmas and that next year brings you peace of heart. x
Debra T
December 22, 2011
Oh, Donica…. I won’t even pretend to know what you are going through. I am blessed to still have the other half of my heart with me.
I have a sister who lost her husband this last January. I know she is having a difficult time too.
There are times is just doesn’t seem to matter that there are a lot of friends and family that are here for her and that love her dearly. I am sure you have several too, but they just can’t take the place of that part of your heart that is missing.
I know everyone says that it will ease with time, but not having gone through it myself, I won’t say that.
I know my father told me that it took him at least 2 years before he could actually say her had a somewhat handle on it.
Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers this holiday season and always.
Take care and have faith.
Happy Holidays to you and yours.
Deb
mammy3114(at)yahoo(dot)com